August 10, 1999

Today is August 10th, 2024. Twenty five years ago today I woke up in a reservoir side group of fishing cabins, turned residential treatment center, outside of Jackson, MS. I wasn’t jumping up to embrace the new day and new life before me, I was wondering what the hell I had got myself into.

I haven’t had to have a drink or use mind altering substances of any kind since.

A little back story: I was born uncomfortable. Nervous, scared, powerless, generally overwhelmed, often. Even as a child. This led to bouts of dishonesty, anger, crippling anxiety, and odd behavior, but it was all based in fear. Juxtapose this against the backdrop of a fairly normal family, no divorce, no abandonment, no cops being called, and my struggles were balanced with equal times where I was very carefree and happy. One thing I have learned, we are not our fears, or unwise behaviors all the time, its a mixed bag. There was some generational passing down of unhealthy ideas of how raise a kid, regarding physical punishment, and psychological manipulation, but I can honestly say it was not intentional, just what had been demonstrated for them. I have a great family, who have really gone to the wall to support me, and I fully believe they did the best they knew to do. I am not throwing them under the bus. I have done enough self introspection to see my inability to live life on life’s terms stretch as far back as I can remember. I think I really was born like that.

Cut to 1985, I’m 12 years old, going to Jefferson Middle School in Albuquerque, NM. I start playing guitar, listening to Judas Priest, and Motley Crue, and hanging with a crowd that is eager to experiment with the booze and drugs the older kids seem to enjoy. I had my first real drink at 12 years old, one day after school, at my friend Lee’s house. (We planned it, It was Scotch I stole from my dad’s liquor cabinet, which had bottles that were years old, and barely touched). I remember the feeling of it hitting me, it was like one giant exhale. I was comfortable, unafraid, bold, confident, superhuman. I never wanted it to end. I walked home. My mother was in the driveway unloading groceries. I grabbed a couple bags, went in the house, passed the kitchen, into the back room and laid down on the floor with the groceries. I felt awful, got sick, got grounded, and could not wait to do it again.

I did it as often as I could, and when I graduated high school and moved down by the university, it really took off. I was playing a lot of music, and getting a lot of attention for it. I could drink for free in several bars, and wasn’t even old enough to be there. Drugs were present, and I had a policy of doing other peoples drugs, but not buying my own. I thought that kept me safe from adding addiction to my drinking.

I struggled in school, changing majors and dropping out several times. At 21, I was still playing music and not progressing in anything I did. just standing still, while my friends, graduated, got jobs, got married, starting having kids even. I ran some relationships into the ground, and ruined some friendships, but didn’t see the problem possibly being me. I really believed my own bullshit, this was about to cut me to ribbons.

the booze by itself wasn’t quieting the chorus in my head enough anymore, and I was often mixing it with a cocktail of whatever we got out of peoples medicine cabinets. Mostly painkillers and muscle relaxers. On my 22nd birthday, a friend handed me a piece of tinfoil, a tube from a bic pen, and a lighter. I was already pretty drunk and I smoked it without even asking what it was. All of a sudden, I was feeling the same thing I felt at 12. complete comfort, peace, confidence, and calm, plus being wrapped in a universal blanket. It was black tar heroin, I puked, and I couldn’t wait to do it again.

The next four years went quick. As I clung to the bullshit I was telling myself and others, I went from smoking to shooting, from employed to unemployable, from student to permanent dropout, from borrowing to stealing, from able to house myself to bringing the bullshit in and out of my parents house, and bringing them a boatload of suffering with it. Most surprisingly, I went from playing music to not hardly picking up a guitar the last 2 years. mix in a million other demoralizing experiences. Finally it brought me to physical breakdown. Couldn’t get high, would only OD. Got thrown in showers, ended up in ERs, and finally, came to with my father slapping me and screaming and crying. It shook me. it shook me just long enough to agree to get help, the window of willingness can come and go for us quickly, luckily I had help to get through it.

This brings us to August 10, 1999. I don’t count the 9th, because I got high after midnight, and I took pills on the plane to help assure I would get there.

The only idea I had, was that none of my ideas where working, and I would try and do what was recommended. I could always leave if it didn’t work.

I didn’t believe what I heard in meetings, regarding length of sobriety. I thought everyone over 30 days was lying, and that people who had claimed to go years, had to have had one here and there. I also wondered why they were still in a meeting?

It has come down to this for me: effort.

When I put in the work to maintain a certain level of spiritual awareness, or mindfulness, I am able to meet the world with much less fear, anger, worry, anxiety, selfishness, and greed, and much more kindness, compassion, gratitude, and equanimity. Equanimity is a word not often used outside of Buddhism, but its basically balance. Im accountable for my actions and my relationship to experience, and so are you. I can wish things to be different, but its my actions and my perception that will lead me to joy or suffering. I can wish for you to be happy and free from suffering, but only you can do that. Its knowing that life is challenging, and knowing that it is not being done TO me. Its knowing that life is beautiful and tragic, and we have to accept both. This is not a lay down and take it attitude. its a perception shift. Its accepting things as they are so I can see what I have the power to change and what I don’t. Life its fleeting, its all impermanent, and I am still in the rooms of 12 step recovery, and a buddhist practitioner, because I want to meet it as best I can, with ethics, and integrity, and hopefully some joy. 12 step rooms allow me the contact with those coming in after me, and I have the tools to help them, which in turn helps me stay out of my own way. The same way having a meditation practice, and studying the teachings of the Buddha, prepare me for real life awareness of how I am reacting to experience and how I can shift my response to meet my ethics. Its all moral psychology, I’m an agnostic, I think there’s something, I just don’t think any of us know what it is. The Buddha was just a guy who found a way to live usefully in the world, without suffering from it. AA is a group of drunks that, together, figured out how to stay sober. Both borrow from spiritual systems of their time, to get the message across to who they are talking to. The message is always, be humble, do the work. introspection, and action. strive to be ethical, and useful.

I have experienced a lot, and done a lot wrong, but with the effort to be self aware, I do learn and grow, all the time. I’ve been married/divorced, engaged/disengaged, employed/fired, made terrible choices, made great choices, had crippling anxiety, adult ADHD, suffered tremendous loss and grief, and tremendous joy, and I have been sober for the whole thing. Nobody is more surprised than me.

I was drawn to the name, ‘the Hold Fast Union’, because for sailors, “Hold Fast”, means to weather the storm, push through, but its also a reminder to have a hand for the ship and a hand for you. You can’t help others if you aren’t taking care of yourself. A union, is a group of like minded people working for the same purpose. We all come from different belief systems, we don’t sit around after practice an discuss ethics and sutras, and gospels, we joke and have ridiculous fun, but there is an earnestness in the effort to make the music and the message the best we can make it. I have found the same fellowship in AA, and buddhist sanghas.

I don’t know why I wrote all this, except to say that if its helpful to you, maybe you can take the next step to helping yourself. If I can be helpful to you, let me know.

Jimmy